Tag: personal

Writing about aftermath

Hope ZaneWriting

I’ve been wanting to sit down and write a real blog post for a while now, but the blog post I thought I would write yesterday is probably different than the one I’ll actually end up writing today, food poisoning and all (ick).

I’m always fighting between the impulse to keep work to myself, where it’s safe and only mine, and the very real, sometimes achingly urgent desire to share it with others.

I’ve been working on a couple of new stories. The one that feels most exciting to me is about running away from home, or maybe just about running.

I was thinking the other day that I often write about the aftermath. The Thing happened, and now you live, to quote Coleman Barks, “in the wake of a new life.” You are stumbling through the wreckage, trying to assemble pieces of yourself.

(And here, a friend reminded me that what is grief but the aftermath of loss?)

Part of the interesting part of writing, to me, is figuring out what that Thing even was. What was the hit that caused the pain? Can you reconstruct the blast by the shape of its crater?

Jisoo feels like that kind of wreckage. Soft and fragile and sharp. Cringing and traumatized, loved and hurting and willing to hurt others.

Or else maybe the hurt is accidental.

I am still looking for the incident that made a hole of this size.

Thank you for everything, grandma.

Hope ZaneGeneral

I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend, and I went to my grandma’s funeral yesterday. I might have something to say about that… later.

I wrote a story about her, and it means a lot to me. I’m not quite sure if I feel like sharing it yet.

I’m kind of negotiating the balance between public and private life.

You probably didn’t know her, but my grandma was named Beverly, and I swear to god there was no one in this world like her. She could have talked the sky green. She was a little bit magic that way, she could talk to anyone about anything, make things possible that weren’t before, just by connection.

My dad is so much like her. He says I am, too.

I’d really like to be. I don’t think I am yet, but maybe I’m a baby bear growing into what it’ll one day be.

I feel like I have some big shoes to fill because the world seems smaller without her.

But all that’s for later. There are things I’d like to do, and be, and become, but today feels like a day for tender-hearted grieving, still. The words are coming slow. I am fully about to go get some McDonald’s about this as part of my campaign to be kind to myself as much as anyone else.

Take care of yourselves out there.

Sickness and Health

Hope ZaneGeneral

It’s been a really rough month and a half. First I caught covid, which led to a really scary asthma exacerbation, and now I’m dealing with some really exhausting side effects while adjusting to new medication. I’m not having a good time, guys.

Which I say just because… I want to say something. To let you know how I’m doing and not just disappear. I’d like it if it was something more positive and fun, but, well, this is where I’m at.

I’m trying my best and trying to be kind to myself in these times. Hopefully I’ll feel good about writing again soon. <3